Have you ever been in a constant state of wonder? And I don’t mean about the world, or what lies ahead, but a person? Maybe worry is a better word than wonder.
I feel like these constant states occur when someone leaves your life or becomes a lesser part of it, whether it is on your terms or theirs.
Now that’s not to say I don’t worry about my friends or family. Of course I do, but I know how they are. I talk to them, they talk to me. There’s no guesswork.
But with this constant state, there is no clarity. There are no answers.
And this has happened to me with friends as well as significant others.
Something, random really, reminds you of them or a time you shared together. Then the first thing your mind thinks is, “I wonder how they are…” but then that pit forms in your stomach because you don’t know. You can’t know. And sometimes that can be terrifying.
There’s just silence.
It’s flashing cursors in a text message, your heart beating as your finger hovers over the “send” button, or (if you’re old fashioned like me) staring at a blank piece of paper with a pen perched in hand too scared to write.
I think once you hit “fear” is when it starts. When you’re too scared to reach out because you’re terrified of their answer or the fact that they may not answer you at all.
It amazes me that a first person you wanted to tell something to or just call to see how their day is going, now strikes fear into you. And it’s probably because we, in general, fear being rejected. I know I do. I’ve been scorned and torn down too many times to throw caution to the wind in situations like these.
I like to think I’m not the only person with a “you” out there. Maybe the person next to me on the bus has a friend they’re too afraid to reach out to because of some stupid fight or maybe it’s the person at the crosswalk wondering why the silence started without an explanation.
I find it amazing that with all of the technology and communication forms that we have, it’s still so hard to talk to people.
Maybe some of you will read these, think about that person, and muster up the courage that I don’t have and reach out. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll think of that person and reassure yourself that you are content with living with the memories of that person because they truly are gone from your life.
And maybe sometimes silence is all that it takes. It could be days, weeks, months, or even years. People can surprise you and sometimes they come back into your life. I’ve seen it happen and I’ve had it happen to me.
I just wish there was a way for us who have that person, if we truly just wonder how they are, to know. Not to come off as annoying (because I’ll tell you that’s one of my biggest fears) but to just know how they are.
Who knows, my “you” could read it and reassure me, but there’s no guarantee is there?
p.s. I haven’t been this nervous to click the “publish” button in a while